Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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