You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
