I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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