Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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