I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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