Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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