So drunk its hurt
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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