I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
