If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
