I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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