Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
