Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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