just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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