i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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