she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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