Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
