Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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