I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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