On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
