Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
