Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
