There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize