Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
