grandma shit on top of the toilet
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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