My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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