I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
love makes seman taste better
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
