Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
