Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
