There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
