Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
