i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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