there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
There's even glitter on my cock...
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