What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
