It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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