I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
