This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
