we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
