tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
