1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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