The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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