Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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