Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
