He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
