How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I could make wine with my vomit
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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