Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize