did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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