I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
