I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
