i just wanna soil my oats bro
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
