I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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