I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
