Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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