yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
