we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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