This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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