I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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