Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
