put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
