so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You left your phone here
Wait...
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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