I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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