My girlfriend figured out who you are.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
