tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
