i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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