the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
