The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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