I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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