His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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