Plan B is the new Plan A
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
