I didn't shave. On purpose
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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