my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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