I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
